Energy Agogo

I just woke up from an intensely bad dream. It was about Jay trying to harm himself. I've come to realize that it's more than a romantic feeling I have for him, I do genuinely care about him and his happiness. Which is good because he isn't into the whole poly scene so we can't get involved with each other. Someone will get hurt.

It hurts though. It hurts because we both know how we feel about each other. It hurts because every time we have a conversation the sexual tension is going through the roof. Because every time we hug he never wants to let go... and neither do I.

He's never going to ask me to leave Pete and that is a good thing. I wouldn't leave Pete for anyone but myself. And why would I ever come out of my poly relationship to leap into a possessive monogamous one? In a way I'm really glad that it's happened this way, and that he's always known how I feel about Pete and is actually quite good friends with Pete. It means that we haven't got our wires crossed and he has no other expectations.

I'm glad I had the guts to tell Jay how I feel about him. It might hurt that we can't have the relationship that I want us to have but it's almost a good hurt. I know he wants to. It's a helluva confidence boost to sit on his lap and feel the boner, and not be shoved off. Now I get a little "what did you expect?" shrug. It's great that he still wants to hug me, and do all the things we did before we know how we felt. It's great that he still wants to spend time with Pete.

I'll still wonder what could have been were I monogamous and "single". But then I wouldn't have been me.

In other news, my therapy appears to be digging up even more random crap for me to deal with. It's random because I never, ever expected to find these things and although they do make sense, it's still a weird sensation. We're trying to work out who's approval it is that I am desperately seeking. I make out like it's my Mum's approval but it isn't.

We're also combatting my early sexual relationships and how I used to relate to people sexually. It was all boys back then because I hadn't really accepted the funner parts of myself. There are an awful lot of consent issues around this stuff, and lots of definitions that still need working out. I know some of it was pretty traumatizing at the time, and some of it became bad when I looked back on it and realized what had happened. It's a bit scary.

I texted Pete to make sure Jay is OK, they're out together tonight. He's fine, this makes me feel a load better even though it was a dream. Jay never checks his phone so there was no point texting him. If it is on he'll just ignore it and carry on with what he's doing.

Now lets see if Lil and Rob decide to have ALL THE LOUD SEX again tonight. Though if they do it at 4am again I may throw things. Between them and Pete snoring it took me a very long time to get to sleep.