Feeling a little more able to fill in the gaps now. (Trigger Warning - Sexual Assault)
Jay has sexually assaulted several women. Women I happen to be friends with. Women who he told all the things he told me, said all the same things to, and all thought of him as I did.
It goes from pushing rather too hard for sex, to having to take a knee to the balls to make him get off.
I don't want to go much further into that.
Guess I had a lucky escape.
So why do I still care about him?
Why do I still want him? Why do I want to make sure he's ok?
This is really fucking with my mind.
Monday, 27 February 2012
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Crap
Well crap.
A few things
No means no. Always. Stop also means stop. Every single time.
Consenting to kissing someone does not mean consenting to anything else. If they say stop you damn well better stop.
Asexual people are asexual for a reason. They aren't a challenge. When you tell someone you don't really fancy having a zucchini stuck up your rectum, you don't want to be told that you might like it if you tried it. Same rules apply to someone who doesn't ever want to have sex. They know their own mind and it's really not up to you to change it.
If someone allows you into their bed do not take liberties when you think they are asleep.
And finally, if you pick out the most emotionally vulnerable people in a group to predate, do not expect to get away with it. We talk to each other, we notice things, and we are very capable of standing up for ourselves.
I can't explain the reasons for this right now. I'm feeling angry, and betrayed, and confused and all manner of other things I don't have words for.
A few things
No means no. Always. Stop also means stop. Every single time.
Consenting to kissing someone does not mean consenting to anything else. If they say stop you damn well better stop.
Asexual people are asexual for a reason. They aren't a challenge. When you tell someone you don't really fancy having a zucchini stuck up your rectum, you don't want to be told that you might like it if you tried it. Same rules apply to someone who doesn't ever want to have sex. They know their own mind and it's really not up to you to change it.
If someone allows you into their bed do not take liberties when you think they are asleep.
And finally, if you pick out the most emotionally vulnerable people in a group to predate, do not expect to get away with it. We talk to each other, we notice things, and we are very capable of standing up for ourselves.
I can't explain the reasons for this right now. I'm feeling angry, and betrayed, and confused and all manner of other things I don't have words for.
Saturday, 25 February 2012
Energy Agogo
I just woke up from an intensely bad dream. It was about Jay trying to harm himself. I've come to realize that it's more than a romantic feeling I have for him, I do genuinely care about him and his happiness. Which is good because he isn't into the whole poly scene so we can't get involved with each other. Someone will get hurt.
It hurts though. It hurts because we both know how we feel about each other. It hurts because every time we have a conversation the sexual tension is going through the roof. Because every time we hug he never wants to let go... and neither do I.
He's never going to ask me to leave Pete and that is a good thing. I wouldn't leave Pete for anyone but myself. And why would I ever come out of my poly relationship to leap into a possessive monogamous one? In a way I'm really glad that it's happened this way, and that he's always known how I feel about Pete and is actually quite good friends with Pete. It means that we haven't got our wires crossed and he has no other expectations.
I'm glad I had the guts to tell Jay how I feel about him. It might hurt that we can't have the relationship that I want us to have but it's almost a good hurt. I know he wants to. It's a helluva confidence boost to sit on his lap and feel the boner, and not be shoved off. Now I get a little "what did you expect?" shrug. It's great that he still wants to hug me, and do all the things we did before we know how we felt. It's great that he still wants to spend time with Pete.
I'll still wonder what could have been were I monogamous and "single". But then I wouldn't have been me.
In other news, my therapy appears to be digging up even more random crap for me to deal with. It's random because I never, ever expected to find these things and although they do make sense, it's still a weird sensation. We're trying to work out who's approval it is that I am desperately seeking. I make out like it's my Mum's approval but it isn't.
We're also combatting my early sexual relationships and how I used to relate to people sexually. It was all boys back then because I hadn't really accepted the funner parts of myself. There are an awful lot of consent issues around this stuff, and lots of definitions that still need working out. I know some of it was pretty traumatizing at the time, and some of it became bad when I looked back on it and realized what had happened. It's a bit scary.
I texted Pete to make sure Jay is OK, they're out together tonight. He's fine, this makes me feel a load better even though it was a dream. Jay never checks his phone so there was no point texting him. If it is on he'll just ignore it and carry on with what he's doing.
Now lets see if Lil and Rob decide to have ALL THE LOUD SEX again tonight. Though if they do it at 4am again I may throw things. Between them and Pete snoring it took me a very long time to get to sleep.
It hurts though. It hurts because we both know how we feel about each other. It hurts because every time we have a conversation the sexual tension is going through the roof. Because every time we hug he never wants to let go... and neither do I.
He's never going to ask me to leave Pete and that is a good thing. I wouldn't leave Pete for anyone but myself. And why would I ever come out of my poly relationship to leap into a possessive monogamous one? In a way I'm really glad that it's happened this way, and that he's always known how I feel about Pete and is actually quite good friends with Pete. It means that we haven't got our wires crossed and he has no other expectations.
I'm glad I had the guts to tell Jay how I feel about him. It might hurt that we can't have the relationship that I want us to have but it's almost a good hurt. I know he wants to. It's a helluva confidence boost to sit on his lap and feel the boner, and not be shoved off. Now I get a little "what did you expect?" shrug. It's great that he still wants to hug me, and do all the things we did before we know how we felt. It's great that he still wants to spend time with Pete.
I'll still wonder what could have been were I monogamous and "single". But then I wouldn't have been me.
In other news, my therapy appears to be digging up even more random crap for me to deal with. It's random because I never, ever expected to find these things and although they do make sense, it's still a weird sensation. We're trying to work out who's approval it is that I am desperately seeking. I make out like it's my Mum's approval but it isn't.
We're also combatting my early sexual relationships and how I used to relate to people sexually. It was all boys back then because I hadn't really accepted the funner parts of myself. There are an awful lot of consent issues around this stuff, and lots of definitions that still need working out. I know some of it was pretty traumatizing at the time, and some of it became bad when I looked back on it and realized what had happened. It's a bit scary.
I texted Pete to make sure Jay is OK, they're out together tonight. He's fine, this makes me feel a load better even though it was a dream. Jay never checks his phone so there was no point texting him. If it is on he'll just ignore it and carry on with what he's doing.
Now lets see if Lil and Rob decide to have ALL THE LOUD SEX again tonight. Though if they do it at 4am again I may throw things. Between them and Pete snoring it took me a very long time to get to sleep.
Friday, 24 February 2012
Hello
So at some point you come to realize that you would like to share things with people that you cannot share with your friends, family, anyone who knows you. That's why I'm here. I want to tell someone about all this crap but I don't want to tell people who may actually care.
I'm 21, physiologically female, mentally mostly a girl but getting a bit more genderqueer as my exposure to a life that hasn't been handed down by society becomes more frequent. I most often get pigeonholed as bisexual although I don't really look for gender when I decide whether someone is attractive or not. What's between your legs has absolutely no bearing on whether I try to jump your bones or not. Unless it has some kind of icky, oozing, disease. I have a long term partner, who is most definitely a boy. We're just starting out into this polyamoury thing and it's fun but confusing. I enjoy writing, painting, sculpting, drawing, papercraft, sewing, cooking, vacuuming, theatre, singing and music generally. I probably won't talk about those things much. Mostly I'll talk about relationships. Those are pretty much what my life is full of and what I tend to live for. In a good "omg I enjoy getting to know people and snogging" kind of way, not in an "I don't have a personality and need others to define me" kind of way. I fucking love people.
People who may pop up often
Pete - Long time partner, gonna marry his ass
Fuzz - The pet lizard. His name is funny because he doesn't have any fur. And it's not really his name.
Fambly A
Mum - Is my mother, we have issues.
Stepdad - Probably won't talk about him much
Cyn - Little sister on the mums side. Not Stepdad's daughter. Love her to bits.
Puss - The Cat.
Grandpa - Easy going.
Gramma - Bigoted, sexist, and tactless. Still my Gramma though...
Fambly B
Dad - As above. Except he's my dad.
Stepmum - I don't like her very much
Greg - Little brother on the Dad's side. Over excitable, I'm not sure how to deal with him.
The Seamonkeys - You need an explanation? They eat their own dead you know.
Friends and things
Jay - Romantic interest, very good friend. I fully intend to talk about him a lot.
Lil - Housemate, one of my best friends
Rob - Housemate, Lil's boyfriend, great to come home to
Therapist - pretty self explanatory.
Kelly - Friend, beautiful, artistic, understanding. For the context of blog posts I will write about her, she is asexual and polyamorous. Kelly's partners are Emily and Greg. Emily is tiny and fragile. Greg has gorgeous long hair and a penchant for skinny jeans. Green ones.
Nell - Friend, very clever, gives good hugs. Excellent creative mind and loves the foods she is intolerant to just as much as I do.
Belle - Friend, also exceedingly clever, very short and very funny. Context wise again, she's poly, and very dominant in bed. She has a kink cupboard.
That's the main cast right now, more will pop up but these will be the ones I'll talk about most. No real names are used at all, although there are a few small references that you may get if you are me.
I shall post again once I've gathered the emotional energy to do so - Pete just read this http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/02/why-i-didnt-just-call-cops.html and needs a cuddle. I might need one too.
I'm 21, physiologically female, mentally mostly a girl but getting a bit more genderqueer as my exposure to a life that hasn't been handed down by society becomes more frequent. I most often get pigeonholed as bisexual although I don't really look for gender when I decide whether someone is attractive or not. What's between your legs has absolutely no bearing on whether I try to jump your bones or not. Unless it has some kind of icky, oozing, disease. I have a long term partner, who is most definitely a boy. We're just starting out into this polyamoury thing and it's fun but confusing. I enjoy writing, painting, sculpting, drawing, papercraft, sewing, cooking, vacuuming, theatre, singing and music generally. I probably won't talk about those things much. Mostly I'll talk about relationships. Those are pretty much what my life is full of and what I tend to live for. In a good "omg I enjoy getting to know people and snogging" kind of way, not in an "I don't have a personality and need others to define me" kind of way. I fucking love people.
People who may pop up often
Pete - Long time partner, gonna marry his ass
Fuzz - The pet lizard. His name is funny because he doesn't have any fur. And it's not really his name.
Fambly A
Mum - Is my mother, we have issues.
Stepdad - Probably won't talk about him much
Cyn - Little sister on the mums side. Not Stepdad's daughter. Love her to bits.
Puss - The Cat.
Grandpa - Easy going.
Gramma - Bigoted, sexist, and tactless. Still my Gramma though...
Fambly B
Dad - As above. Except he's my dad.
Stepmum - I don't like her very much
Greg - Little brother on the Dad's side. Over excitable, I'm not sure how to deal with him.
The Seamonkeys - You need an explanation? They eat their own dead you know.
Friends and things
Jay - Romantic interest, very good friend. I fully intend to talk about him a lot.
Lil - Housemate, one of my best friends
Rob - Housemate, Lil's boyfriend, great to come home to
Therapist - pretty self explanatory.
Kelly - Friend, beautiful, artistic, understanding. For the context of blog posts I will write about her, she is asexual and polyamorous. Kelly's partners are Emily and Greg. Emily is tiny and fragile. Greg has gorgeous long hair and a penchant for skinny jeans. Green ones.
Nell - Friend, very clever, gives good hugs. Excellent creative mind and loves the foods she is intolerant to just as much as I do.
Belle - Friend, also exceedingly clever, very short and very funny. Context wise again, she's poly, and very dominant in bed. She has a kink cupboard.
That's the main cast right now, more will pop up but these will be the ones I'll talk about most. No real names are used at all, although there are a few small references that you may get if you are me.
I shall post again once I've gathered the emotional energy to do so - Pete just read this http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/02/why-i-didnt-just-call-cops.html and needs a cuddle. I might need one too.
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